#write31days, Mistaken Identity

Day 25: The Churning Ache of Unmet Longings

baby ultrasoundMistaken Identity #7: By my unmet longings, I am what I am.

It’s a longing like no other. The longing to have a child.  It awakens an ache deep within your soul almost touching the purpose of your existence. It churns and spins and grows with each month that comes and no positive result. The noise of everyone else’s pregnancy, births, and celebrations is almost deafening. I still feel the sting, like it were yesterday.

Our first two pregnancies and babies were easy. No problem. When we started trying for a third, I assumed it would follow the same course. But an entirely different journey lay ahead.

After a year of trying, we discovered I had a uterine fibroid tumor which caused me to be severely anemic. It took 2 surgeries to eradicate it over the course of two years with hope and disappointment sandwiched in between. We then were able to conceive quickly. But I miscarried 2 times, both at 8 weeks.

The rise of hope and the plummet of loss knocks the wind out of you. I felt hopeless. Powerless.  Like my dream was over. Like my longings were overlooked. Like God didn’t care. He had the power to, so why didn’t He?

Mistakenly, I used my unmet longings to define who He isunloving. uncaring, uninvolved. And then, I transferred it to who I amunloved, unnoticed, disregarded, alone.

I prayed, cried out for God to hear me and to give me what I longed for. But in my weary desperation, I finally embraced a deep level of surrender and trust. I couldn’t cling, grasp, demand anymore. I was oh-so-tired.

On my knees, face to floor, and tears streaming down my checks, I released my longing into His loving hand.

I believe God that You know what is best for me. I believe God that You know what is best for my boys and our family. I believe God that You love me.  I believe God that You have the power to grow a healthy child in my womb. I believe God in Your love for me. I let go of what I want and so desperately cling to. I accept what You know is best. I trust You. I trust You. I trust You.”

Over and over and over, I uttered this prayer.

  • Each day when my longing slapped me in my face.
  • Each time that I heard of a new pregnancy.
  • With each glimpse of the darling little baby things in Target.
  • And each month that the test was negative. “I trust You. I trust You. I trust You. You love me.”

And then…two lines.  I was pregnant. Instead of relief. I felt gripped with fear. After loss, it hard to find footing in the joy. So with each day, I stood in truth and said my desperate prayer again and again and again.

On June 27, 2011, our miracle Reed Taylor was born.

sleeping babyWhat is it for you, the ache of longing the churns within your soul? A husband, a job, relief from pain, healing of a disease, a home to call your own, a ministry, a child…

The truth…By the grace of God (which is powerful, strong, right, good, unconditional, forever), I am what I am (heard, held, taken care of, loved, noticed, favored).

Through gritted teeth and tear streaked checks, stand in this truth today with your longing loosely held in your hands. Proclaim it again and again and again. Although it does not guarantee you will get what you long for, you can be assured that God loves you. In that, you will be strong. And you will make it through.

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